Various factors contribute to this dependency on a partner for sleep, including the presence of the partner and the bedtime routine you share, which may be more conducive to sleep than your solo habits.
“There has been so much focus on couples sleeping apart, but it was sort of missing the other part of the story about why many couples do prefer to sleep together and why there tends to be this psychological drive to sleep with a person,” said Troxel, author of “Sharing the Covers: Every Couple’s Guide to Better Sleep.” “At a basic level, sleeping together provides a sense of safety and security, which can really facilitate healthy sleep.”
The sound of a partner’s breathing, their body warmth, and the feeling of security — especially for women — all help create a sense of ease, which is essential for good sleep, Troxel explained.
“Our brains want to feel safe and secure in order to fall asleep, and one of the best ways to feel safe and secure is to have relatively predictable routines and environments,” she added.
Cuddling, holding hands, or having sex before sleep also releases oxytocin, a stress-reducing hormone, which can enhance sleep quality, Troxel noted.
These activities often mean less screen time before bed, which is beneficial. Sleep experts, including Dr. Raj Dasgupta, an associate professor of clinical medicine at Huntington Health in Pasadena, California, recommend turning off screens at least 30 minutes before sleep.
Additionally, “partners also become part of the ritual and routine of going to bed,” Troxel said.
This routine aspect is crucial for a good night’s rest, as it helps regulate our circadian rhythms and signals to our brains that it’s time for sleep. Missing that shared experience with your partner can increase stress levels, experts say.
What You Can Do About It
“Sometimes it is possible that a person may feel the need to master sleeping alone, even though they prefer to sleep with their partner — just for the sake of logistics and continuity when their partner isn’t there,” said Dr. Joshua Tal, a clinical psychologist specializing in sleep issues based in New York City.
One challenge in improving solo sleep health is that the partner typically isn’t gone long enough for one to develop the skill of sleeping independently, Tal added.
“After a few nights of not sleeping well, you will sleep. So, it’s important to give yourself a chance to experiment without the person in order to learn that you can sleep properly without them,” Tal said.
Whether you take more time for yourself to practice or not, here are some strategies to help you feel comfortable and make sleeping alone easier:
- Relaxation Techniques: Try stretching, yoga, meditation, a warm shower, aromatherapy, or breathing exercises such as progressive muscle relaxation, 4-7-8 breathing, or diaphragmatic breathing
- Comfort Objects: Keep a photo of your partner or an object with their scent, such as a recently worn shirt or a pillow sprayed with their cologne or perfume, near you.
- Body Pillow: Use a body pillow to simulate the weight and presence of your partner in bed.
- White Noise: If the room feels too quiet without your partner’s breathing, use fans or white noise machines to simulate those sounds.
Some couples start the night apart due to different sleep habits but still want to sleep together. Here are some tips for such situations:
- Different Sleep Schedules: If you’re a morning person and your partner is a night owl, they could cuddle with you until you fall asleep, then quietly leave the room to do their activities until they’re ready for bed.
- Bedding Preferences: If you disagree on bedding or mattress types, try using separate blankets or different mattresses pushed together. Some mattresses even offer different textures and firmness levels on each side.
- Good Night Calls: While some couples call to say good night, this can sometimes increase feelings of longing and loneliness rather than comfort. Pay attention to what works best for you.
By implementing these strategies, you can create a more comfortable and restful sleep environment, even when your partner isn’t there.
